journey

tangled locks of hair wrapped around my blackened fingertips

the same that have smoothed out  the lines on your forehead

and have left dark shadows inside the dimples in your cheek

i’m not an artist and the world won’t know my name

but right now you are my canvas and i want my fingers to

map out a journey across your knuckles and down your spine

(and behind your ear, i will leave my name)

(in case you get lost and need to find your way back to me)

not good enough

tomorrow i will lock the door and
carve the words into my ribcage
an endless serial number that scatters
over the plains of my chest


it will say "not good enough"
and it will curl around every edge
and it will rush through every vein
like an ink spill, it will spread
and like quicksand, every breath
will draw me deeper and deeper

look close, you'll see the flood
not good enough, it will read
in the palm of my hands
not good enough, it will say
between the folds of my skin

not good enough
not good enough
not good enough

freedom (les mis themed)

i am

i'm a black hole
replace me with a thousand others
and no one will notice

i'm a stain
you just can't get rid of
no matter how hard you try

i'm a red light
and you're in a rush
to get away from me

i'm an alarm
that won't stop screeching
run, fast, the danger is me

i'm a shard
touch me and you'll bleed
i'll end up ripping you apart

i'm a disease
sneaking into your blood
i'll linger until you're sick of me

to mom

this is august 22nd, date of birth
hands wrapped around a finger
red cheeks and tiny feet
here's where we meet and say
hello, i have been waiting for you


this is playgrounds and swing sets
fingerprints in paint and clay
saying if you believe, you can
and i believe, but i'll never swing high enough
to lose sight of you


this is being on the back of your bike and
weaving through blossoming trees
lying in grass fields that go on forever
a board game between us
to get lost in


this is white ceilings and childish fears
holding me tightly in the dark
because when i'm with you
the monsters shrivel up and
the demons hide away


this is boulevards and smelling the sea
feet propped up on the dashboard
and we might not find the answers today
but at least we can say
we went looking


this is the smell of grass and mint tea
car rides with the windows open and the radio on
i don't know this song and that’s okay
because it tunes out the world and
it's just you and me now


this is hospital beds and frustrated tears
refusing to be defeated by a downpour
and you may not carry a sword
but i've learnt that maybe warriors
don't need weapons after all


this is a long winding road, they say
the path to recovery is a hard one
but we both know you were always made
to climb steep hills and not once
have i seen you stumble


this is convicted nods and understanding
when my chest is frozen and my legs are locked
you lighten the frost, inch by inch
don't need to say anything to melt me
back to where i was before


this is good days and bad days
where my bones fight my every move
and a devil perches on the top of your spine
but i can turn the heat up for you and light the candles
and for a moment we can pretend it's perfect


this is turning the key and being home
here’s where we meet and say
hello, i have been waiting for you
and maybe we’re a little cracked
but i wouldn’t have it any other way



this is being a mother, a best friend
this is je t'aime, i love you
you're a better teacher than you think

haiku i

i don't know whether
this city is in ruins
or it's me who's broke

time

spewing out curses and bleeding out slurs
i've never been the poster girl
and the words never came to me as easy as the sea
never has it been effortless instead
everything so far has come with cracks
scratches that never quite heal
and bruises that never quite fade


i am hiding, and you seem to have found me
tell me to stop trying as if the solution lies
in a pause, a rest, a stop motion
but this is all i have ever known and
this desperation won't flicker out in time like a worn battery
this need i'll carry with me,
won't just vanish like a cloud of smoke on a cold night
where regrets turn into wishes
and wishes turn into dreams
i'm not doing this to please you
i'm simply doing this to please myself
it's harder than it looks
and it takes time